Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Saturday, December 10, 2016

Revenge List Of A Narcissist

Okay, so before the election I wrote a post that shall go forever unpublished (Norma and a few other people have seen it), featuring Trump's epic temper tantrum when he lost. Obviously for some inexplicable reason, he didn't lose. After the election, well, let's just say I wrote a rant for myself, basically venting, which will also go unpublished. It contained a lot of curse words and would have ended up losing me at least a couple of readers.

I've written this lately though. It's Trump's revenge list. The first part of everyone he wants to get even with. Incidentally, writing in his voice still makes me nauseous. I'll try not to say I told you so when the time comes.


Okay, right? So I won, right? Won it fair and square and cheated like a bastard the whole time, right? Now it’s time to settle some scores, get even with a few people. Nothing too big. Just millions and millions of people. Losers, all of them. Losers! Big fat losers! So that’s what this is. This is my revenge list. The people I’m going to start gettin’ even with startin’ on day one of the Trump Presidency, which, by the way, is going to be the greatest, the most stupendous, the most amazing, the best ever presidency you ever saw, right? Lincoln? Washington? The Roosevelts? All losers compared to me. Because I’m the best, the greatest, the most stellar president ever. And I’ve got really big hands.

Where was I? Oh, right. My revenge list. And it’s gonna be great. All these people who for one reason or another ended up on this list? They’re gonna pay. They’re gonna pay big time. And this revenge list is gonna be the biggest and the best revenge list of all time. Richard Nixon has nothin’ on me!


By the way, it’s probably a good idea not to let anyone see this list. Part 1 of 483 716, in fact. It's a big list. Yuuuuuuuuuge!

So where do we begin? Well, in no particular order...

Crooked Hillary. Lock her up! Lock her up!

The Squirrel Faction

Obama and Michelle

Rosie O’Donnell. What a disgusting pig, let me tell you...

The Pope

Jon Stewart

Ellen De Generes

Zombie plot bunnies


Anyone around the world who ever thought it was a good idea to criticize my buddy Vladimir

Tim Russert. Sure, he’s dead, but I want that know it all no-nonsense punk punished anyway

Dogs and cats. Buncha fleabags, the lot of them

Alec Baldwin. Nobody mocks me and gets away with it.

Mexico. They’re bringing drugs, they’re bringin’ crime, they’re rapists...

All those women who dared to accuse me of gropin’ them. Hey, I can grope anyone I want! I’m President Donald Trump! Soon to be Exalted Grand Emperor Donald!

Megyn Kelly. Bleedin’ outta her whatever...


Van Jones

John Oliver

The Queen

The blacks

Stephen Colbert

Angela Merkel

China

Vampires

The Jedi

Larry Willmore

Luxembourg. They know the reason why.


CNN, NBC, the New York Times, and the whole lamestream media that refuses to bow down to everything I say and hail me as their lord and master. I’m really gonna get even with those losers, believe me folks. Matter of fact, when I get my way, I’m gonna just have Trump News, the Enquirer, and Breitbart as the only legal news outlets.

Those ex-wives of mine. Soon to be followed by the current one, just as quick as I can find another bimbo from eastern Europe to be the next trophy wife

Tree huggin’ environmentalists

Hulk Hogan and Ric Flair

The Bush family

Trevor Noah

The ACLU

Muslims


Bill Nye the Science Guy. That De Grasse Tyson guy too. We can’t have reasonable well informed experts tellin’ anyone the truth, after all.

Lyin’ Ted. I mean, seriously, folks, the man’s father practically killed JFK, I read it in the Enquirer, and that’s the only paper that matters to me, believe me, believe me...

Bill Maher

The Illuminati

Canada

The UN

PBS

Ivanka


Ferris Bueller. Just because. Smart aleck punk, who’s he think he is?

That therapist who once told me I’m a class A narcissistic sociopath with a terminal self love complex. Hey! I don’t need to jerk off! I’ve got people who’ll jerk me off on command!

That heavy metal drummer. Costs me thousands of votes and puts supporters of mine in jail after beatin’ them up, and he thinks he can get away with it?

While we’re at it, we’re gonna just change the way music’s heard. All Ted Nugent, all the time. Nothin’ else. If Ted’s good for me, he’s good for everyone. Everybody else can go **** themselves. There’s not gonna be any Beyonce serenadin’ the Obamas ever again.


Bruce Springsteen. Born in the U.S.A. my ass. He was born in Canada! He’s got worthless communist socialist maple syrup guzzlin’ tree hugger written all over him! I demand to see the birth certificate! Lock him up! Lock him up!

Every single person who ever mocked my great outstanding hair and my hands. My hair is real and my hands are yuuuuuuuuuuuuuge! Just as yuuuuuuuuuuuuuge as my Trump schlong!

My eighth grade teacher, Mr. Reading, who gave me detention for calling him an asshole. I’m really gonna get even with him, believe me, folks...

Grumpy Cat. Nobody outfrowns me!

Monday, December 5, 2016

A Day In The Life Of A Cat

And now it is time for the cat to have her say...


7:18 AM. Waking up at home. Big stretch to start the day. Slept reasonably well. I should be able to stay awake an hour or two before my next nap.


7:21 AM. Coming into the staff’s bedroom. Well, my bedroom, I just let the staff use it. She’s in the bathroom, and the shower’s running. Why humans can’t just wash themselves the same way cats do is beyond me.


7:22 AM. Meowing insistently at the door. Staff! Hurry up and open that door already.


7:24 AM. The staff finally opens the door. It’s about time, you know. And put some clothes on. You don’t see me walking around being an exhibitionist, do you?


7:27 AM. Waiting at the base of the stairs for the staff to get down here. Feeling impatient.


7:33 AM. The staff comes downstairs. Okay, time for you to get my breakfast seen to.


7:35 AM. I have finally received my breakfast. Some tuna and milk on the side is acceptable. For whatever reason the staff continues to persist in putting down a bowl of field rations. I don’t know why, but then there are things about humans that I find perplexing at the best of times.


7:48 AM. Bidding goodbye to the staff as she’s off to work for the day. Very well, staff, I’ll have to amuse myself for a few hours. I expect I can fill some of that time in with some well placed naps. After all, a cat must get in their daily eighteen hours of sleep, right? Of course I’m right.


7:53 AM. Staring out the window at the vastness of my domain. Snow falling. I can hear the sound of that annoying dog barking somewhere in the distance. As dogs go, he is a supremely silly example of one.


8:21 AM. Watching the flying lunches out at the bird feeder. Oh, if only I was out there right now, I’d get my claws on one of you. Of course that would also mean I’d be stuck outside for hours on end, and that’s not my idea of a swell time.


8:28 AM. Detecting movement at the treeline. What’s that?


8:29 AM. It’s that foul hound! How dare he turn up on my property???


8:30 AM. Hissing and howling as the dog walks towards my house. Get lost, you varmint!


8:31 AM. Expressing my loathing and contempt for the mutt. What part of go away do you not get?


8:32 AM. The dog is leaving. What I wouldn’t give to be outdoors right now and give him a good swift clawing to the snout...


8:35 AM. In a foul mood. What purpose dogs serve in the greater scheme of things, I don’t know...


9:03 AM. Brooding in my living room. And brooding some more. A good brood is always welcome. Particularly after unwelcome visits from pests like dogs. 


12:27 PM. Waking up from a nap. Slept well, but dismayed to discover that there are still hours to go before the staff gets home.


12:34 PM. Musing on how big a stocking of coal  I might get for Christmas if I convince a skunk to go pay that dog a visit. 


1:28 PM. Barking coming from down the road. It’s that other dog, the one that seems to have at least some sense, though why he seems to like the name Spike the Magnificent, Tormentor of Squirrels, is beyond me. Mailman must be driving through.


1:36 PM. And right on cue, that infernal mutt down the road is barking. I wonder if dogs realize that mailmen are simply doing their job?


5:19 PM. Greeting the staff with a head bonk to the leg when she walks in. Well, it’s about time, staff, I’ve been cooped up all day, you know.


6:38 PM. Dinner with the staff. Some nice cuts of beef suit me nicely. Very good, staff, very good indeed.


8:03 PM. The staff is busy writing Christmas cards. I am busy supervising. Wait, you’re writing one to them? Those are dog people, staff!


8:49 PM. Sitting on the couch beside the staff, watching my tail twitch. Musing on grabbing it.


11:29 PM. The staff is off to bed. I am busy grooming myself. I must be looking my best, after all, at four in the morning when I decide to sprint all over the house for no reason whatsoever.

Saturday, December 3, 2016

A Day In The Life Of A Dog

It is time once again for the point of view of the dog and cat, starting, as always, with the hound.


7:23 AM. Waking up. Had pleasant dreams of chasing the mailman up a tree.


7:26 AM. Looking outside at falling snow. Sounds of the human upstairs getting herself ready for the day. Looking forward to breakfast. Yum yum yum!


7:37 AM. The human comes downstairs. Hello, human! Fine day, isn’t it? Say, have you by chance given any consideration to making my breakfast? I’m just bringing it up because I lack the required paw finesse to get myself into the pantry, and I’m not quite sure I could be trusted to pour myself just one bowl of kibbles. That’s not to say I’m untrustworthy, it’s just that when food becomes a factor, my level of trustworthiness tends to decline. Like last week when I helped myself to that cookie you left on the end table.


7:41 AM. Devouring a big bowlful of delicious kibbles. Yum yum yummy!


7:44 AM. Out the door for my morning run. See you later, human!


7:52 AM. Running through the back fields, barking at all that falling snow. Woof woof woof!


8:03 AM. Dropping by to pay a visit to Spike the Magnificent, Tormentor of Squirrels. Hello, Spike!


8:04 AM. Spike and I greet each other in the customary doggie fashion and inquire as to why humans don’t do the same when greeting each other. What’s wrong with the hindquarters?


8:06 AM. Spike and I confer on the preparations our humans are making for the Christmas holidays. No tree put up in my place yet, Spike, but then we’re just really getting started with the month, aren’t we? Besides which, the human seems to be wary of the idea of me around an elaborately decorated tree. I don’t know why, I mean, I knocked the thing over one time and she never let me hear the end of it.


8:10 AM. We discuss the relative scarcity of squirrel sightings as of late. Spike is certain they’re spending most of their time in winter quarters, only coming out every once in awhile to raid the bird feeders. Apparently humans find this rather endearing, which is odd. Humans are supposed to be smart, so why can’t they see how devious squirrels really are?


8:12 AM. Spike and I speculate on the odds of new chew toys being under the Christmas tree. Well, I’ve been a good dog all year long, so it should be fine for me. As long as you ignore the whole chasing the mayor around the waterfront thing I did in May.


8:16 AM. Parting ways with Spike. He’s promised to give a good warning bark when the mailman passes by his place.


8:28 AM. Passing by the house where that cranky cat lives. I wonder if she’s out today.


8:29 AM. Well, she’s not outside, but lo and behold, there she is, behind a window, glaring at me and hissing. What is it with cats that make them so cranky where dogs are concerned? Is there something we did long ago that annoyed them? Was it one time chasing them up a tree too many? Well, maybe she’ll respond well to a wagging tail.


8:31 AM. Standing in front of the window, wagging my tail, barking hello to the kitty. True to form, she’s expressing hostilities and antagonism and giving me the finger. Oh well, you can’t say I didn’t try. Time to leave, but first... one good roll around on the ground.


8:32 AM. Departing the property. The cat is displeased with me. I suppose if she were outside right now, she’d be trying to claw my face. That’s what you get for your human leaving you alone during the day.


8:40 AM. Returning home, where the human stops me from getting inside and applies the rigours of the Towel Of Torment to me. Oh well, it would have been nice to get indoors and dry up natural, but my human seems to dislike the smell of wet dog. Really, human, if the fashion industry could bottle up the smell of wet dog, they’d make a fortune.


8:56 AM. Circling around three times in the living room and settling down for a nap. Note to self: set internal alarm clock so I can wake up before noon and therefore mooch some lunch from my human.


12:24 PM. Waking up suddenly. Glance at the clock. Wait a minute, what happened to my internal alarm clock?


12:25 PM. Finding the human in the kitchen, doing lunch time dishes. Awww, nuts! I missed the chance to mooch!


1:28 PM. Hearing the sound of distant barking. That’s Spike... and that means the mailman is coming.


1:36 PM. Barking up a storm when the mailman pulls up in his car to the mailbox outside. Hey! Get out of here, you evil fiend!


5:41 PM. Watching the human working on dinner. Whatever it is, it smells good.


6:36 PM. Dinner with the human. She’s made shepherd’s pie. I’m enjoying a portion. This makes up for that whole missing the chance to mooch thing that happened earlier in the day.


8:09 PM. The human’s reading. I’m lying on my back wondering if Coco Chanel ever considered releasing L’Eau de Chien Humide.


11:33 PM. The human is off to bed. Good night, human! Sweet dreams. I’ll be down here guarding the house against all sorts of squirrel threats and nefarious bumps in the night. Unless, of course, I’m the one doing the bumping in the night. In which case it’s not nefarious, because as we all know, I’m a very good dog.

Just don’t ask the mayor if she agrees.